How've you been?

(Warning: flight of ideas ahead)
Its been a while, how've you been? Again, as readers you can generally assume that no news is good news. We continue to make our way through the days as new parents, trying to figure out what the heck we're doing with this new person living with us. I would say that all in all, we're doing pretty well. Logan has the ability to sleep well at night, which means that I get to sleep sometimes at night. I do my best thinking and writing at night, so I haven't taken the time to sit down and type. Plus, I haven't had much to write about, short of providing a mundane play-by-play of our day. Maybe its writers block. Maybe its because I feel a little bit indifferent at the moment. Maybe I'm scared because things are going well and I'm afraid to let my guard down because that seems to be when disappointment sets in.
Logan's been home a week (already!?!). Dale was home for the better part of a week and went back to work on Thursday, leaving Logan and I to figure out the ways of the world. We have a good time. He does a great job changing things up for me, so that just when I think I know how much he likes to eat, he pukes half of it up in my lap. Just when I decide that he hates to nurse and just wants a bottle, he rejects the bottle and nurses for 30 minutes. During those times, I try to remember to turn my "doctor" off, quit trying to figure him out, and just go with the flow.
I've been spending the rest of the week on the phone, it seems. Which brings me to my next point. I've had a hard time processing my emotions lately because honestly I feel like I've (we've) been let down. Not by any particular person for any specific reason. I've been trying to coordinate follow up appointments and services for Logan--something that should have been done upon dismissal from the hospital, but due to a number of seemingly innocent oversights and miscommunications, I've been trying to straighten it out all week. We're trying to get the paperwork finished up so we can close on our house in Central City next month. I feel let down because I planned to moonlight a few weekends to cover the downpayment. I got to bring a premature kid home (not a let down!) in the middle of the craziest flu season in decades, so we have to keep him home. He wears a monitor that shrieks and provokes anxiety, so I can't ask just anyone to come by to watch him while I go to the grocery store. I feel let down by some friends or family from whom I haven't heard, or when I do, they ask casually, "How've you been?" I want to answer, "Oh you know, just took a quick trip to hell and back. How are you?" (Please know that we are gaining strength from so many of you who are supportive and helpful and for that we are so eternally grateful!) I feel like God let us down, and sometimes going to church is absolutely the last thing I want to do. I went to bible study this week, and we talked about praying without ceasing and you know what, that is sometimes the last thing I want to do, too. I trust that God sees my brokenness during those times and interprets my prayers for me, however scarce and feeble they might be.
Through it all, we continue to move forward. I feel a little bit like a circuis clown, riding a unicycle and juggling at the same time. We do the best we can to keep the balls in the air but sometimes one falls and rolls away, but there's no time to go after it or the others will assuredly come crashing down. The awesome thing is that during intermission, I have a beautiful, perfect (6 lb 11 oz!) little boy who just loves to snuggle and owns my heart and needs me and for that reason, the juggling act occasionally just has to wait.