I was frustrated this morning when we were up at 2am (and 3 and 5). Logan seems to be more fussy, just recently, and I can't figure out why. I have a list a mile long of possibilities, and we're working our way slowly through them to figure out what might be wrong. I started perusing the blog while Logan ate. I hope it was a good idea, because I was overcome with a flood of emotions that are still very real to me. I was reminded of his fragile start as well as the fragile start we had as parents. I tried to imagine how tiny he was and remember getting him out of the box to hold him. He was a tiny body with long arms and legs that just seemed to follow. Through a stream of tears, I recounted only the first month. I was brought back to a time when nothing else mattered, where the situation itself quieted the background noise and I could only focus on one thing. I was also brought back to a time when I relied completely on the Lord for my strength. I remember physicially feeling like I was letting go and I was so reassured by the promises of prayers from friends and family that I felt like I fell backward into a safety net.
Now, I have a few more responsbilities to regard (my job, my marriage, keeping the house. . . just kidding. . . the apt is still a mess : ) but I can't coordinate everything.
What makes me think that self reliance will get us through now? I'm nervous and excited about returning to work, about having Logan at daycare, about nearing completion of my residency and having a grown-up job, about closing on a house two hours away, among other things. So I can't do it. But I know someone who can! And today I am going to surrender completely (. . . . again) and realize that I am not the one manning this ship. This puke-stained, sleep deprived mother will love her fussy, spitty, gas producing infant fiercely and completely, and I will trust that he will sleep again, that I will have the energy to get through the days and return soon to work (and that I'll be able to function when I do) and that the good Lord knows exactly what he's doing. I'm letting go.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness. 2 Cor 12:9
2 comments:
So I read this while my Trig students are taking a test. Thank goodness that they're focusing so well because if they would look up they would see their teacher with tears in her eyes. Your post today is a great reminder of how well our little Logan is doing. There will always be worries, but God is good, and he gives us the strength that we need. If you need to call and let loose, please do so... I owe you one after Sunday :). We continue to pray for you every day. You have a little fan club here at PHS. My students love Logan too.
Michelle, you are so inspiring to me. You are all in our prayers!
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