ten little fingers and ten little toes

We had our first ultrasound yesterday and I'm a bundle of emotions. (Nope, we didn't find out the gender, so you'll have to wait along with us.) The further we progress, the more I am reminded that I am absolutely not in control. Its hard not to play the what-if game (even though I know better). I remember very clearly the events that led up to Logan's short labor and abrupt delivery. I continue to feel just fine physically. . . just like I did last time. Sometimes I feel very helpless, like there's nothing I can do to ensure things go right. . . and that's scary. I get frustrated because I'm a (explicitave) physician and I can affect the outcome of someone's life, but I can't ensure that I know how to stay pregnant. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of having life as I know it come to a screeching halt (again) and having to be put on bedrest and sit. . . and wait. I'm scared of not being able to go to work every day and make a living. I'm scared of delivering a baby in a strange place (a hospital I've never been to with nurses I've never met) and then having to go home without him/her. . . again. I'm scared that I will not have the energy to love two children completely, as they deserve to be.
I'm also in love. I'm not a fan of 3D ultrasounds, but yesterday we counted 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. I fell in love for the first time with this baby, who seems to know just when to kick/roll and say hello, tell me everything's okay, and who's taking my emotions to the extreme such that I don't know if I'm going to laugh or cry. Eventually (hopefully 20 weeks from now) this baby will enter our world and it will never be the same. I am comforted by this baby with ten little fingers and ten little toes, who makes any trial that may come our way completely worth it for the blessings we'll receive in the end . . . and along the way.
Stay tuned!